Is someone looking over my shoulder?

[katiefoolery]

I put my finger on it the other night (don’t worry - I washed it straight afterwards) - I can’t write when other people are around.

Well, I CAN, but I feel silly.

It’s not as though this is any sort of revelation, though; just something I’ve forgotten over the years.  Back when I shared a computer with my da and the boy, I always had to closet myself away and dive head-first into my stories.  Preferably with the door shut.  Of course, this resulted in that near-heart-attack I had once when the ma flung the door open dramatically when I was in the middle of writing an incredibly scary scene in a ghost story... but at least I didn’t feel so... foolish.  (Short of breath, yes, but not foolish.)

I think that’s it - I feel foolish writing when other people are nearby.  In many ways, I’d rather prance around, stripping my clothes off for no good reason than sit there and write a story with people in the same room as me.  Somehow, that act of wanton, semi-public nudity would be less embarrassing than typing words onto a computer screen.

But why is that?  Why do I feel so silly and exposed, just knowing that someone is sitting two metres away, completely absorbed in their nerd-game (in the case of my Timothy), while I write a story?

It’s not always the case, though.  Consider Tuesday, when I spent the entire morning at work writing whilst surrounded by sundry staff and students.  It didn’t bother me then, although I suspect that’s because I was completely absorbed in what I was doing, to the point where things such as the passing of time failed to actually register in my mind at all.

Is it just starting the story, perhaps?  I know I always feel the silliest when I'm beginning a story.  Mere words seem so insubstantial, as though they’re not quite up to the challenge of bringing to life the tale I can see in my imagination.  It’s one thing to come up with characters, plot and situation; it’s quite another entirely to wrap that all up in the right words.  And somehow, it’s extra difficult to begin writing if someone’s in the same room, doing something completely different and probably paying no attention to me whatsoever.

Am beginning to suspect I might be overly paranoid about the whole thing...

But I must know: is this just me?  Am I the only insane one who can’t write stories if someone else is in the same room?  And how do you deal with it?

Comments

[chunkymonkey24.livejournal.com]

Ok, I don't write anymore, but when I did used to write I felt exactly the same. There's a kind of vulnerability that's difficult to explain. I think it's more difficult to let yourself go completely when someone else is there; even if it's the person you're closest to and they aren't paying the slightest bit of attention to what you're doing. I think you're only completely yourself when you're on your own. And you can only write your stories when you're being you. Does that make sense? It's late and I'm hyper on sugar and having just come back from a Less Than Jake gig...I should go to bed really!

[katiefoolery.livejournal.com]

Oh yes - there's definitely a sense of vulnerability, isn't there? The very idea that I think I can choose the right words to tell the story properly! How silly! ...And so on. I like your theory about only being about to write stories when you're being you. It makes quite a lot of sense.

[alankria.livejournal.com]

I certainly find it more difficult to write when someone else is in the room, but I can do it. Like you said, it depends on what's being written. If I'm having trouble with a scene, it's even harder when someone else is in the room (not just because talking to them is a welcome distraction, but because of that looking-over-your-shoulder sense). If a scene is flowing, another person in the room is at worst a nuisance, but mostly ignored.

The absolute, absolute worst is when someone *does* peer over my shoulder at the screen.

"How can you not want people to look at it?" they ask. "You want to be published. You ideally want thousands, millions even, of people to read it!"

"But it's not ready yet! When you see it, it will be polished and shined and copy-edited and as perfect as any piece of writing can be. This is just crap right now and no but me and a trusty cabal of beta-readers can see it."

*sigh* Non-writers don't really understand anything, do they?

[blindmouse.livejournal.com]

But it's not ready yet! When you see it, it will be polished and shined and copy-edited and as perfect as any piece of writing can be.

It will also be happening somewhere else. I certainly feel better with people reading finished than unfinished work, but sitting in a room with someone who's reading your story is always awkward and vulnerable-making.

[katiefoolery.livejournal.com]

There's nothing more nerve-wracking than sitting next to someone who's reading your story. Especially if they laugh and you ask them what they're laughing at.

"Oh, that funny bit," is usually the response.

But which funny bit? And even worse, what if it's not meant to be a funny bit? What if they're laughing at something that's REALLY SERIOUS?

[alankria.livejournal.com]

but sitting in a room with someone who's reading your story is always awkward and vulnerable-making.

Definitely!

[katiefoolery.livejournal.com]

Ack, yes - it's bad enough when someone looks at what I'm reading! I feel so exposed when someone looks at what I'm writing. Why can't they understand it's not ready to be seen yet? It doesn't even have all its clothes on.

I thought I was being very generous when I let my Timothy-of-the-heads read the first draft of Black Fiddle. Alas, I still think he has no idea of how hard it was to agree to that. It's unpolished, I change Jeannie's background slightly without going backwards to fix it and there are bits that still make me cringe. Why would I want anyone to see that?

Mind you, when it's done, then people are free to read it as much as they like. :P

[bethamphetam1ne.livejournal.com]

I definitely can't write when Dale is in the room (not even an LJ entry!) I don't even like him being in the house. Hence how I got bulk work done when I was on WorkCover and now I manage to eke out a chapter or 2 at best when he happens to go out fishing or something and the timing coincides with inspiration.

[katiefoolery.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad I'm not alone in that! For a while there, I was worried that I was a truly awful person because I couldn't feel comfortable writing in the same room as my Timothy.

P.S. Love the icon!

[dizzy-liz.livejournal.com]

Hmmmm. I get easily distracted when there are people around me so in that regard I prefer to be alone when writing. I hate the thought of someone reading a half finished piece of writing, if that's any consolation. But not being able to write when your husbands in the room? Well, I don't have a husband... but I can't imagine I'd find it a problem once I do aquire one :-) We're all different however... and that's what makes the world exciting!

[katiefoolery.livejournal.com]

Well, I don't think it's Timothy's fault or anything about him - just that he's there. If it was his sister, Bindi, sitting there (she lives with us, too), then I'd probably feel just as inhibited. :D

And yes - the potential distraction is definitely a factor. People always want to talk to you if you're sitting there. :)

[starlingthefool.livejournal.com]

I used to *hate* writing when other people are in the room. If anybody came in I usually got a bit shouty.
Now, I can't write at home for some reason. I almost always end up writing in bars and cafes - which can be sort of weird when I'm writing about sex or something equally naughty.
But people actually peering over my shoulder is a big no no. And I still hate it when people interrupt me to ask what I'm writing about. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

[katiefoolery.livejournal.com]

And they always interrupt right when it's really flowing! Or you forget where your sentence was going when you're allowed to get back to it.

I think I can understand writing in busy public places, because I imagine you feel more anonymous there. No-one's necessarily going to walk up and ask how the story's going or what you want for dinner. Although I imagine it's a bit odd if someone comes up to clear the table while you're in the midst of writing a rather steamy bit...

[gravityslave.livejournal.com]

I can't write anything when Wee Boy's even in the apartment!
This is the main reason why I am so behind in school this term. Gah! WHY can't daycare be affordable?! Stupid non-socialist gov't...

[katiefoolery.livejournal.com]

Daycare can't be affordable because then you'd be able to do stuff and attend properly to your studies. And writing.

I imagine your adorable Wee Boy requires a lot of attention though. :)

[blindmouse.livejournal.com]

Am I the only insane one who can't write stories if someone else is in the same room?

Oh, god no. I tried to explain why to somebody once (one of those less-than-subtle people who didn't interpret "I'm actually writing at the moment", as "Please get out of my room you're taking up space"), and in the end had to just fall back on the infuriatingly patronising "You can't understand, you're not a writer.

For me it's definitely the vulnerablity of the open screen, though, not the presence of other people. I can write in a notebook anywhere, as long as nobody's trying to talk to me, but if I'm typing, then even if I know the person I'm with isn't going to read over my shoulder - can't even see from where they're sitting - I just get too aware of the words on the screen, stark and on display.

As far as "how do you cope" - um, I cope by being reclusive and locking my door. Although I do lose some evenings to writing because my housemate's feeling sociable and I haven't the heart to kick her out.

[katiefoolery.livejournal.com]

So it's OK to be reclusive and vanish off to a room with a firmly-closed door? That's a relief. I thought I was just being a supremely anti-social writer, so I'm very glad to discover I'm not alone.

I find it difficult to write in a notebook at the best of times, mostly because my handwriting's awful and I can't actually keep up with my thoughts anyway. But I feel just as exposed to a paper page as I do when facing a computer screen.

[flamehail.livejournal.com]

It's true.

And depressing.

Mostly even if they're somewhere in the house and could conceivably in any way walk in on me, I can't write.

And I think I agree with blindmouse: it's a lot easier to write in a notebook with people around (so long as they still aren't really possibly in any way actually paying attention to me) than on a computer screen (where even if they aren't really possibly in any way actually paying attention to me, I can't write).

[katiefoolery.livejournal.com]

I wish I could do the notebook thing, but it's just not me. Although I do like them for scribbling notes.

On the up side, at least we all know we're not alone in being unable to write properly with other people around. :D

[elfie-chan.livejournal.com]

*considers* I can't usually write with people around because people are too distracting. It's less a matter of "Oh noes, they're going to read it!" and more of a matter of, "Now, Cassandra will think about how she needs to go shopping in a few minutes for creme freche and green onions...no, wait, that's me. Dammit." People remind me of things I need to do, like write that paper on Jewish scholarship in the 12th century.

[katiefoolery.livejournal.com]

Hehe! Now I want to read that scene, especially if Cassandra does go out to fetch some creme freche and green onions.

[charliemc.livejournal.com]

It pretty much depends, I think. At times writing can be a very private and vulnerable thing. Then at other times it doesn't matter a bit. I think it can be the topic, but it's not limited to that. It might just be the mood I'm in -- and that's probably the same for you, from what you've said.

Yet obviously if writing is your work -- and therefore needs to be done in the work place (which is often true) -- then producing with others hanging over you becomes second nature. On the other hand, when we have the frequent opportunity for privacy during writing, then it can tend to make us a bit spoiled, I guess. (smile)

This reminds me of telling my high school art teacher (one Gertrude Schoeler) that I needed to be 'in the mood' to produce art -- and having her tell me that I'd better get over that idea fast. I was originally flabbergasted by her statement, because I'd always thought artists needed to be inspired to create! But she set me straight, saying that art was work, plain and simple. It was one of the best things that ever happened to me, to tell the truth... (grin)

So maybe we become less vulnerable about writing when we're forced to view it as working, as opposed to creating art. What do you think?

Don't get me wrong here -- Gertrude was an amazing artist! But I think she had it right...

It helped me to be 'forced' to produce on a time schedule in the classroom, anyway. (heh)

Just my experience, of course!

[katiefoolery.livejournal.com]

I think your art teacher had some good advice there, harsh as it was. It's possible to sit down in front of a computer and dither and second-guess and procrastinate and end up doing absolutely nothing whilst waiting for the right mood to turn up. Deadlines tend to be the only things that get me going sometimes. :D

[mysterikat.livejournal.com]

I feel the same way Bun. I hate writing when people are around - sometimes I try. I curl up on the lounge with a notebook to write, but somewhere in my mind something says, "They are watching you! They are watching you write everyword!" Even though I know that 'they' are not paying any attention to me. They leave me alone, but I cannot concentrate and I start to feel paranoid and silly for writing in public. I tend to lock myself away in my study to write when other people are in the house.

I'm the same with my music. I don't like to play any instruments solo in front of anyone, not even my Boy of 6 years! He is a guitarist so he just wanders around the house playing sometimes, and I get a bit jealous of that. I feel like I am being judged when doing something creative in a public space. I think though that I am the one judging myself - like, 'o don't make a mistake, people will know...'

I think also it's because my creative work is very personal to me. With the exception of cyberspace, I really don't share my work with anyone. I have been trying to work out why, but so far, all I can come up with is fear. Fear that they will say, 'thats crap'. I know that they won't, but, meh, I can't get over it.

So you are definately not alone Bun. :)

*sigh* we all need a room of our own don't we?

MK

[katiefoolery.livejournal.com]

The irony of it is that I actually have a room of my own, but it feels so lonely out there!

I'm like that with music, too. I only ever play my flute when no-one is home and my piano is electric, so I can at least plug my headphones in and prevent anyone from hearing me.

It's good to know I'm not alone!

[chunkymonkey24.livejournal.com]

I'm the same with musical instruments too! The main reason for me buying an electric violin was so that I could plug headphones in and people wouldn't really be able to hear me unless they pressed their ear to the door :) I wouldn't even pick up an instrument if someone was in the same room!

[pitkat.livejournal.com]

I have the same problem with fanfic writing. If Patrick (my fiance) is anywhere near while I'm reading or writing, I immediately shut the screen down. He gets so irritated with me. I think it's because I feel embarassed that I read and write fanfiction. It took me a long time to converse with others about my habit. It's not so bad online, but with all of my friends, it's a different story.

I don't quite know how to deal with it. I'm slowly accepting that I'm a weird scientist with an imagination too big to keep secret anymore. Hmm, I don't know. Let me know if you find a solution. :)

[katiefoolery.livejournal.com]

I think it would be even worse if my Timothy-of-the-heads walked past while I was writing fanfic because it's... well, it's not serious. Definitely not serious. I'm terrified at the thought of putting it online, let alone letting him see it. But it's nothing personal! That's what they have to understand.

Hehe - if there's a solution and I find it, I will most certainly share it. :P