Doing the sociable thing

[katiefoolery]

I was hit by a minor revelation the other day.  This left me somewhat concussed and possibly a little bruised... but mostly enlightened.  And the revelation goes a little like this:

I’m not shy; I’m lazy.

Well, I say “minor revelation”, but that’s probably understating it somewhat, especially when you consider I’ve thought I was shy my entire life.

On other hand, I’ve known about the laziness for quite a long time.  I just never thought to connect the two.  Probably because of the whole laziness thing...

I wish it weren't true, in many ways.  It’s incredibly easy to be lazy... and it’s equally easy to overcome it.  Shyness, not so much.  But now that I know it’s more laziness than anything, I feel beholden to do something about it.  Which really goes against the heavily-entrenched laziness grain.

And yet... I’m still doing it.  Why yesterday, I met up with the good bathmat and met two whole new people, the thought of which would have sent me running hastily in the opposite direction not so long ago.  And while I wasn’t as scintillating as I might have hoped, I didn’t make an utter idiot out of myself and even managed some conversation along the way.  So score one for me in my war against a sedentary life.

And tonight, I managed to spend much longer than I realised writing emails to three people - something I’ve been putting off for no good reason for ages.

After this, I even remembered to sign into msn... although due to the unexpected lateness, there doesn’t appear to be anyone around.  Of course this would be the case when I’m trying to be sociable...

I still feel a little lost, though, so I’m very much open to any and all advice on how to break out of one’s shell and stop being so damn shy and/or lazy.  Tricks?  Tips?  I’ll take them all, thanks.

Comments

[pitkat.livejournal.com]

Heh, I know the feeling. Completely. I found that I'm actually scared of sharing with new people and so I let it slip into a lazy habit. I just don't hae the desire so much of the time. And my current friends, I have to give myself reminders to email them occasionally to say hi.

I don't have any tips other than to just go and socially repeatedly. Eventually, you'll see that the effort was a lot less than yuo imagined and the rewards often involved drinks, a social network, and a few good friends.

[pitkat.livejournal.com]

Uhhh, excuse the crapload of typos there. Just got up. No glasses. Haha.

[katiefoolery.livejournal.com]

That was pretty good, considering those two conditions. If only irony didn't ensure we don't notice typos until after we post comments...

[katiefoolery.livejournal.com]

Yes, I think that's similar to what I feel, too - I never really got into the habit of sharing stuff with people, so it takes a lot of effort to start doing that. The shyness can sometimes make me feel like a bit of a freak, though, so if I can summon up the energy to banish the laziness... it has to be a good thing. Rewards are likewise good. :D

[violentstylings.livejournal.com]

I want to write something, but laziness is making it hard to do. I only write this because of it's relevance. Ahhh... whatever, let's try anyway.

Shy is like lazy - because you make an excuse to get out of a situation - which basically makes you shy - or you don't talk to avoid having to say stupid things, instead of putting in the effort to actually try.

Anyway, you only get better by practicing I guess. Then again, going OS was good for me, as it forced me to talk to lots of people and want to make an effort - but now that I'm back here I can slip straight back in to my old ways.

That's a lot of words for someone who couldn't be bothered writing words.

[katiefoolery.livejournal.com]

Yeah, you're right - it's very much a habit... and I expect it would be very easy to slip into an old one if I don't make enough of an effort. And I am spectacularly good at saying stupid things if I don't pay enough attention - it's just wonderful. Which is fine when I'm with people who understand and just mock me... but not so good when they're new people who don't know me.

Lots of words when you couldn't be bothered sets a pretty good example, really. :D

[elfie-chan.livejournal.com]

I think that the internet is a boon for shy people. It allows people to think hard about what they want to say and how they want to say and word things precisely the way they want to.

How to overcome shyness? It depends on what kind of group you're in at the time. What are the social circumstances? I find that the easiest way to get to know someone is to ask something along the lines of, "So, what do you like to do?" and let them go. People love to talk about themselves.

SCA makes this easier for me, too, because I have a built-in interest in common with the people to whom I am talking.

Other comments remind me that I need to write.

[katiefoolery.livejournal.com]

The internet is definitely good that way - I've always thought it was strange how I'm happy to get about and make plenty of friends online, whilst completely failing to behave the same way in real life. Well... not completely. I've met quite a few of my online friends and really solidified those friends, so there must be hope for me!

I don't think my work helps very much, because the library's slightly isolated and I really don't have a lot in common with the people who work there... so it makes it difficult to start conversations sometimes. Or maybe I'm just being lazy...

And you definitely need to write! What's happening with Cassandra these days, for instace? I'd love to read more about her.

[ink-to-papyrus.livejournal.com]

I might have to haunt this post to see what's offered; I have to admit I'm fall under that shy/lazy bit myself. For me, I know it's because I enjoy very solitary hobbies. I've never been an outdoorsy person so there's no hiking or biking clubs to join. I don't do clubs or bars so there's no chance of late-night souses who have no idea where the bathroom is.

I think I may be doomed but I'm finding it hard to be annoyed by that. XD!!

[katiefoolery.livejournal.com]

There are definitely worse ways to be doomed. :D

I can certainly be quite happily solitary myself, but right now, I wouldn't mind doing something a bit different. Just to see if I'll like it. :D

[saralonde24.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean about laziness - with emails, turning up to gatherings, etc. I always have a list of people I was meant to get in touch with but never get around to doing so :S and I guess both of us don't get too offended by it because we're both too busy/lazy to contact the other.

Tips I can think of are: (1) whenever you're invited to something, go to it if you can. I have often met a lot of new people by turning up to a gathering where I knew I wouldn't know many people (or I was tired, weather was bad, etc), but I just gave it a go anyway and (2) write a post-it note with a list of the people you were wanting to email for a catch up or to say hi - stick it at your computer monitor, and then email them when you can. It feels great crossing the name off the list!

[katiefoolery.livejournal.com]

And time goes by so damn quickly! All too soon, I'm thinking, Wow, I meant to reply to that email about, oh, four weeks ago...

Thanks for the tips - they're practical and sensible. :) I'm too much in the habit of not going to things, simply because I never could be bothered. Hopefully it's a habit I'll break. And I love a good check-list, so it's a great idea to add communicating with people to the ones I already maintain.

[(Anonymous)]

I was quite impressed with your lack of shyness meeting two new people, having known that in the past you'd cunningly pike to not do exactly that :p And you were perfectly charitable too - laughing at my terribly unfunny asides!

My trick is sending bad jokes and odd images out of the blue to partial acquaintances. Also, falling down in front of people and spilling food over yourself works wonders for breaking the ice and giving the other person a sense of security in the conversation.

I'm pretty lazy too on the socialising front. It's no coincidence that the majority of my friends are very talkative... I like to think it nicely compliments my reticence.
-Bathmat

[katiefoolery.livejournal.com]

Ah, I never do charitable laughing - I'm afraid your asides simply were humorous.

And I could definitely do the falling down and spilling food on myself, since I'm quite experienced at both. Moreso at the falling down (or walking into door frames).

[burgotastic.livejournal.com]

What's a 'Beta'? You call yourself a Beta in your userinfo. Both wikipedia and dictionary.com have failed me and, frankly, I don't know where to turn after that.

[katiefoolery.livejournal.com]

It's basically another word for editor, used predominantly in the fanfiction world. There are different betas for different purposes: some look at grammar, spelling and style, some look at story and structure, some make sure characterisation is consistent, etc. I'm the sort of beta who tries to address all three of those criteria, as well as being mean and pushy and demanding and poking my poor writers to do better until they're absolutely sick of me (although I only really have one writer at present).

See this wiki entry (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beta_reader) for more detail. :D